Sunday, January 29, 2012

Eight months later


So, hi!

It's been a loooong time. Last time we met I was just at around a 50 pound loss and about to go away on a two-week long art-related getaway. I had a great summer and an extremely busy and stressful fall. Here now in 2012, I feel fairly content with just the right amount of "stuff" going on in my life, yet... I gained back the 50 pounds and maybe a few more – I've been afraid to confirm or deny that on the scale.

Oh god, it's so sad that I haven't been able to get a grip on this one aspect of my life. I try not to beat myself up over it but it really is frustrating. Not to mention, I know that weight fluctuations like that are so bad for you. And I'll be 42 this year and really need to make my health a priority, etc. etc.

I'm writing here today because I was on my way to writing in one of my other blogs and happened to see the picture of myself in the previous post. Look how much of difference 50 pounds makes in my face! Blergh. Well, maybe just starting to write here in general will help me get into a better mindframe to tackle this yet again. Anyway... if you are still out there, I hope you are doing well! I'll be posting here fairly regularly again, to see what I can make happen.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Here I Am



This is me, photo taken just the other night.

Just because.

Still not

Ugh, I am still not below 300 pounds yet. Grrr. I was down as low as 300.6 but for no apparent reason (seriously!) went back up to 302.

Yesterday I had another "fail" at going out to eat with friends, but to be fair, it was rather accidental on my part; I ordered a main dish that was totally on program (chicken with greens and tomatoes at a Lebanese place), but then also ordered an appetizer of spinach pies, which in retrospect was a dumb move... anything with the word "pie" in it is surely something to avoid when I am in diet phase. They ended up being three little dough pillows filled with spinach, and no one in my party wanted them and I knew that my partner wouldn't want to eat them if I brought them home. Honestly, I just couldn't bear wasting the money or the food. Stupid, I know. So, I ended up eating them.

That wasn't the worst of it, though. It ended up being a full-blown bad day. My relationship has been very stressful lately for reasons that I won't go into here, and yesterday I just lost the ability to deal with it rationally anymore. I've been very consciously trying NOT to turn to food when I am upset these days and it's been working pretty well, but yesterday after the spinach pies thing I pretty much decided to just eat. I ended up eating 6 (rather thin) slices of pizza that my partner got, and a bowl of ice cream, and some pretzels and cheese dip, and a bowl of popcorn. All told I suppose I have certainly done worse for myself, and I never really felt out of control, but it was still something I was just compelled to do, like it was all I could do. Of course I do know otherwise.

I really, really lucked out — or maybe it was the yard work I also did yesterday — but I didn't show a gain today.

Also, my period is finally over.

I will be eating totally on plan today, and crossing my fingers that I finally reach my first big goal tomorrow. It often happens that way post-binge.

Technically tomorrow begins my first day on maintenance, but I've made the executive decision to remain on program until I go away to Michigan on Saturday, and then I will go on maintenance. I would like some padding between me and 300 pounds if at all possible before I leave — and yes, I am bringing my scale with me!

In other news, those size 22 pants I have in my wardrobe are just about wearable outside the house. I was even able to squeeze into those size 20 jeans I bought the last time I lost weight and never got to wear — tags still on, even! That's awesome.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Almost!

So, I am one of those bloggers who doesn't really post photos very often. I suppose that makes me a little boring!

Well, here is a photo for you. It is of me and my dad along with my uncle and cousins. I'm on the far left.



This isn't a recent photo; it's actually from October 2008, and that was the last time that I weighed about what I weigh now. Actually, I am probably a few pounds lighter now than I was then, but not by much. The main point of showing you this is that today, I am wearing the same jeans that I wore in that photo, and they are comfortable! They fit perfectly! It's been a long time coming, let me tell you. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at that exact photograph and pined over those jeans. (They're just cheap ones from K-Mart, actually, but one of the best-fitting pairs I've owned!)

So here I am. It's funny, because I feel a lot differently now at this weight than I did then. It's less exciting in a way, this time around; maybe because it's still kind of old hat, making up for lost time. Maybe once I get below 300 it'll start to feel different. I don't feel as "skinny" even though my partner has told me that my body seems like it, as if my body changed composition since 2008 or something. Who knows?

That's not to say that I don't feel good, because I do. I feel fantastic. Just making observations, is all.

Eating today was still a bit of a challenge because we're still broke and I can't go out and replenish my stock of veggies and fruits. I still have some frozen items, which is good, but I will admit it: I am spoiled when it comes to fresh! Today I made up a dish using some defrosted chicken, frozen peas, and the two asparagus stalks that showed up in my garden. I made a Thai-inspired stir fry that also involved fresh minced garlic and a minced chile that came out of the freezer (we froze a ton of our home-grown chiles last year!), plus some red curry paste, a splash of milk, and some homemade red pepper flakes. It was pretty good, and it made enough for two meals, so I'll have it again for tomorrow. I've had my last two apples and peanut butter for each meal, and for dinner I just made myself a can of tomato soup since I ate all my protein for the day at lunch. Not the best choice, but not terrible, either. Oh, and one indiscretion: a few tiny pretzels with a couple tablespoons of cheese dip (i.e. one serving of each, I'd guess). I don't think it's going to mess things up too much, if at all, considering how much little else I've had to eat today.

I haven't even mentioned the best part! Scale read 301.8 this morning, so close to my first big goal.

Well, my first big goal is to get below 300 pounds. I have another one close on its heels, too. A 50 pound loss, which would put me at 298.8. Here's hoping that both happen before the end of the week — I start maintenance on Sunday!

A word about maintenance. I want to psych myself up for it, first of all. I absolutely have to maintain my weight across this next maintenance, particularly because I will be yet so close to the 300 mark. I won't ever want to see a 3 at the beginning of my weight again. One thing that will be interesting is that for most of that time, I will be away from home! I'm going to a book arts workshop retreat that's two weeks long! I think this could be a really good thing for my eating. For one, I will be very busy most of the time, and probably very active, too. I've indicated on the dietary form that I would prefer to eat mostly fruits and vegetables and lean meats while I am there.

On the other hand, it could be really difficult. I really won't know until I get there, and the one thing I can do is just envision myself making the best choices I can, getting lots of exercise, drink lots of water, all that. I think visualization is a really powerful tool, and from here on out each night before I go to bed, I will picture myself doing all kind of good things for myself while I am away.

Do you have any good suggestions for strategies I can use going into the unknown? From what I hear, the place I am going to serves excellent food.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

What I ate today

The further I go along in this program, the more I feel adjusted to the amount of food I eat. As a reminder, here is what I am supposed to eat each day:

No breakfast, but can have coffee or tea

Lunch & dinner, each: 4 oz. lean meat/seafood, 2-3 cups vegetables, 1-2 fruits, and 2 melba toast or grissini breadstick.

Recently we've been flat broke, so the past couple days have been more challenging to try to get what I need in each day. Yesterday, for instance, I didn't eat as much as I should have. Today, I was able to get everything in, but funny enough, I feel like I went overboard somehow. That's why I wanted to take notes about what I ate today, because I know that I didn't.

Lunch

Bowl of mixed greens with sliced strawberries and balsamic vinegar
1 small corn muffin (I made these for my partner and had one because I ran out of Melba toast, but forgot that I had grissini)
Sliced apple with spoonful of peanut butter

Dinner

Roasted cauliflower with one teaspoon of olive oil, salt and pepper
~8 oz. steak
Four grissini breadsticks
Sliced apple with spoonful of peanut butter

I ate all my protein at dinner, and yes, I had the verboten peanut butter and olive oil, but that is not unusual for me. Why do I feel so full? It is downright weird! I guess that it is just female stuff, with my tummy in a dull pain and feeling loagy in general.

It's nice to see that I stayed on track. I haven't had any urges to snack in between meals or in the evening at all this round, which is so great. I've been focusing instead on doing things around the house, keeping things in order, preparing my studio for an intense work period and hopefully some studio visits... I guess it is my lifestyle that is changing quite a lot, too.

Don't get me wrong. I still have trouble with certain things, like eating out. On Friday, for instance, I went out for Indian food with a couple former co-workers. It was great because I haven't seen them in so long, but on the other hand, I found it really hard to stay on program, or even to just avoid starchy foods even though at home I wouldn't generally think about indulging in, say, four pieces of naan. So there is clearly some behavior that is going to take time to unlearn, but I'm getting there. Having that awareness is a good step in the right direction, at least. I think my main problem with eating out is that it always feels like a special occasion, and so then "why not?" eat what I want? That is a mindset that I need to adjust.

Looking forward to another good day tomorrow. Last day of class at the college where I teach! Woo!

Thanks, TOM!

Ugh.

I have been doing mostly well on plan since I was last here, but making zero progress. It's annoying, but I fully blame TOM. Female stuff. Every time I get there, it always causes a stall, so I am not too worried. I am still going to call my practitioner tomorrow just to see what she has to say, if there is anything I can do additionally, but I really think once this is over, I'll probably have a big drop.

If not, whatever. I'm still sticking with it. Here are a few good reasons why!

1. I promised myself that if I am hanging all out here without any health insurance (though I will have it again starting in late August, hooray!), that I'd better start taking care of myself a lot better. And I have. Things have been good health-wise, knock on wood, and continue to get better. I can sense that.

2. I need to fit into the airplane seat in October!

3. I am so close to wearing a whole new wardrobe, it isn't even funny. Ooh, on Friday I was able to wear outside of the house a pair of pants I wore when I lost weight about eight years ago! My body must have changed a lot over the years, because I was wearing those pants a good 40, almost 50 pounds lighter back then.

4. I have an extreme psychological need to get below 300 pounds. Once I get there (and comfortably stay there), I will feel a weird sort of safety and achievement. Not that I will rest on my laurels!

5. I just want to finally DO IT. I don't want to spend the rest of my life futzing around with this crap. Like my mom said, with the plan we are working with, now we have a go-to, clear-cut thing we can do immediately if the weight starts to creep up again. I do not want to be 50 and still working on losing weight. Heck, I don't even want to be 45 and doing it. I could very well be done with the losing by the time I am 42 if I remain vigilant.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Continued Success!

Whew!

I haven't been this low in weight in a good three years... 304 this morning!

I am so relieved to be away from 306. I know that sounds ridiculous, as it is only two pounds' difference, but trust me, in my mindset and with the effort I have been making, it makes ALL the difference mentally. Plus, it just feels really good to break a sort of plateau. I mean, my lowest weight this time around had been 306 since my last diet phase! Finally, I'm on the road to progress again, little by little.