Monday, October 20, 2014

Sitting Still

Well, my weight has still not budged. Ugh. But you know what?

Yesterday, I was doing some fall cleanup in the backyard, and while I don't think I thought it right then and there, looking back I kind of marvel at what I can do and with the relative ease I can do it now.

A very real sensation hit me later at the grocery store, though. Walking through the parking lot, and making my way through the Sunday crowds, I just about felt like I was floating, I felt so good.

It was really nice and really validating.

Sometimes, just f--- the scale, seriously. It's not what this is all about.

It's about so much more.



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I Admit It...

I admit it, I am kind of having a hard time this past week or two.

(Wow, two blog posts in one day! This is how I cope.)

More than what I have been letting on, I think.

So I spent some time this evening browsing through my old blog, The Forty Project. Yeah. That was back when I figured I could get my s--- together by the time I was 40. I'm 44 now; you do the math. I mean, seriously. I've been trying to do this my whole life, but the past five, six years, I've really tried, on and off. I read through many entries, ones when I was feeling good and doing well, ones when I was truly struggling and knew things were on the downturn. Those latter ones especially really hit home. How many more f---ing times do I have to do this yo-yo crap? It has to end NOW. I have the ability to end the cycle.

It doesn't matter how stuck I get. I can't quit. I can't ever, quite frankly. I mean, dude, if I had just worked through the rough patches back when I first started blogging, I wouldn't have had to start up again, over and over and over. I could have been at or near goal a long time ago.

But this isn't about regrets. It's about opportunities. That now, I have full control of my destiny with this stuff. It doesn't matter what happened before. What matters is what happens now and what will happen and how I will deal with it. I have all the knowledge and tools I need to make it happen; I just need to stay on the damn ride.

A 50-pound loss really seems to be some sort of weird place for me. In the past, I hit the 50 pound mark and then things start to fall apart. I'm not sure why that is, but it is not going to happen this time. 50 pounds lost will be the launching pad for more great stuff. 50 pounds will not be the sad end. Not anymore.

Excelsior!


My Obsession

I know, it's crazy, yet another pair of glasses. I am using up my FSA funds and have discovered the awesomeness that is BonLook, and well... you do the math.

While I was trying to get a good selfie last night, I realized that every angle I was working my double chin wasn't showing up in the photos! I am not sure what this phenomenon is called, but trust me, I do still have a bit of an extra chin in effect. It's definitely gone down since I started losing weight, but I can see it when I'm taking the photos! And then it just doesn't show up.

So weird.

Here I am, again, with another fun pair of glasses. And no extra chin.



That said, I had another frustrating date with my scale this morning.

Dudes, I am not letting it get me down! I took another walk on my lunch break today! Zoooom!

I got this.

What frustrations have you been dealing with lately? What victories or joys? I'd love to hear from you.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Stuck, but it's OK

I have been stuck at 324 for what seems like an eternity now. Sure, I've dipped to 323 here and gone up to 326 there, but my weight just doesn't want to seem to budge for any meaningful period of time from 324. Grr.

I mean, this happens every ten pounds or so, so one of these days soon, I'll find myself below 320 and being amazed at how quickly the weight fell off. Ha ha. No, but really, that's what happens, and I forget all about the little plateau until the next time it happens.

But let me tell you! This morning I woke up feeling pretty darned good about myself. My BODY felt good. I was just about certain I'd dropped a pound or two. Of course, I didn't, but it didn't really even matter. I pulled a pair of jeans out from the dryer that used to make me feel like a sausage and they just glided on. I am wearing a tank top that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. I just felt plain good, dynamite even.

Not all victories are on the scale, as I hope we all know by now.

Another one happened today when I didn't really feel like taking a walk on my lunch break, but I did anyway, and it felt good.

And another one happened on Friday when I decided on a whim to start Couch to 5K again. (It was awesome!)

And more happened when my partner and I went on hikes on both Saturday and Sunday. At the crack of dawn, even.

So yeah, the weight loss is one thing, but it far from the only thing. It might even be just an intended consequence, that's all.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Woman Trouble

"Blood moon" – yeah, no kidding!  (Photo by New York Daily News)


Ugh. So last I reported I was down 50 pounds and just got my period. No doubt thanks to that, I've been sitting at 48 pounds lost ever since. And it's the period from hell — I'll spare you the details. That said, my eating has been on target still, and I've been fairly active. We ended up going on a much longer trek the next day (Sunday) to a wildlife refuge and it was fantastic. This morning I was up at 5:30am to watch the lunar eclipse and tomorrow I have a gym appointment.

So while I kind of feel disappointed, I also know that it's just the normal cycle of things. I don't discount my great achievement or anything. It happened, and I am basically there. Soon enough, the 50 pound mark will be a but a memory in the most positive sense.

This morning I wanted to dress up a little more for work as I was filling in for my boss to help conduct interviews. I had planned to wear the one blazer I have — the one I wore to my interview for this job last June — but wouldn't you know it, I had a problem! It was too big to wear! It looked silly! On the plus side, I discovered that I was finally able to wear a pair of dress pants I've kept tucked away for the first time in at least three years. So it all worked out. :)

Another nice thing to report is that I had a follow-up appointment with my GP on Monday, and I am out of the woods for diabetes! Yay! My blood pressure is still up a bit, but I need to get more diligent taking my pill each night... not to mention just keep doing what I'm doing so that I won't even need the pill anymore. I'm getting addicted to these positive reinforcements, I tell you! Despite my temporary hormonal setback, I'm pleased with my progress and happy that I found my magic bullet.

Onward!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

50 POUNDS. BAM.

Last night I went to my talented friend Jan's art exhibition, and I found myself. 

I wanted to share some happy news with you, my faithful blog readers! As of today, I am down 50 pounds. I still have a long way to go (I'd like to lose another 150), but it's a great start and I have been feeling strong and healthy. I'm actually looking forward to my doctor's appointment on Monday! Thanks for your camaraderie and support.

This morning my partner surprised me with an pre-dawn wake up call to go birdwatching. Rain was in the forecast today (and many days ahead), so it was thought that perhaps we could beat the weather early and try out our new binoculars. 

It was pouring on the drive to Buckhorn Island State Park on Grand Island, but shortly after we arrived the sun just started to come up, and the rain stopped. It was a little chilly and windy, but made for a lovely seasonal walk. I didn't time it, but I figure we logged an hour to an hour and a half of walking on the very unexpectedly gorgeous trail that took us right along the Niagara River, so close that we could see and hear the water lapping against the shore. We also heard lots of birds, but only could identify a few: Blue jay, gulls, a coot, and some Mallard ducks. It was still really nice and we're planning to go back and explore more — both of us were feeling a bit tired by the time we decided to head back. (I got maybe four hours of sleep after a very long day yesterday PLUS my period hit with a vengeance, so I was dealing with those associated feelings.)

We got home and I hit the sack for a few hours... then woke up for a bath with one of those amazing LUSH bubble bars, and the rest of today is Relaxation City. It's a rainy fall day, the kind that is perfect for staying in and cuddling with kitties, watching some movies, etc. etc.

Here's to the next 50 pounds! I'm coming for you! :)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Ugh, sometimes.

I went to the mall last night after work with a friend to indulge in a little Sephora and Lush shopping and for a movie afterward. The good news is that I did get some lovely things, including some Kat Von D lipstick, some lovely fall and winter-inspired scented candles from a side trip to Bath & Body Works, and a nice selection of bath bombs and pretty-smelling things at my absolute fave, LUSH. More good news is that I fit into the movie theatre seats snugly but fine, and tickets were just $2 each! (We saw the wonderful The Hundred-Foot Journey)

On the other hand, there is a reason why I avoid malls at almost all costs most of the time. The mall has this way of making all my insecurities come out in their most raw form. There is nothing I despise more than the proverbial makeup counter with its horrible lighting and people swarming all around and feeling like a bull in a china shop. At the same time, I love being surrounded by so many pretty things – if I was a billionaire, I would have stores open after hours so I could browse totally solo, I tell you what.

I just can't help but feel like I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere at the mall. There are lots of mirrors and reflective surfaces, too, so I'm always catching unexpected glimpses of myself, and it's disheartening. See, I guess I don't look in the mirror much except for my bathroom mirror and my iPhone camera to check my lipstick, so I see myself from one angle and generally from the chest or neck up.

So I've lost almost 50 pounds and feel great, and I know that I have gotten smaller, but seeing myself in other contexts, I'm so disappointed to see how fat I still am, even though I know intellectually that I at 320-some pounds that yes, I am VERY fat. Still. And I will be for a while.

None of this means that I am on the brink of giving up. NO. If anything it is propelling me even more toward my goal. I AM SICK OF BEING FAT. I'm done. And as my loving partner reminded me last night, this time next year, I won't be fat anymore. How can I be so sure? Because I am going to keep doing what I am doing and my actions are going to get me there. That's how.

In the meantime I just need to deal with it, continue trying to love my body in all its incarnations, and KEEP GOING.

And I will. Promise.