New Year. New Me?

Hi hi. Here I am.

I LOVE the new year... fresh starts and resolutions and all that. I'm a total sucker for it. I daresay that I am ready for change across the board. There's all kinds of things in the works that I won't detail here (mainly because nothing is yet set in stone), but there may be indeed some major changes taking place in my life in 2010.

Getting back to healthier habits is among them, as ever.

So, I bet you're wondering what I've been doing so far this fair 2010?

Not much, really. The scale's battery died again, so I can't check in to see how much damage has been done in the past few months. I can kind of guess based on my clothes and just how I feel overall, and that would put me close to where I started two years ago, at 350 pounds. Bummer.

One good thing is that I think I have lost a pound or two in the past couple weeks, though not really on purpose; just that we're dead broke until next Wednesday and we're parsing out our stock of food in the meantime. So, trying to eat less, smaller portions overall. It's been going OK, but the whole exercise makes me itchy. It's nerve-wracking having less than $5 in your bank account to last you almost two weeks (we've made it through a few days already).

Whatever works, I guess. It's getting me into the right mind set. We don't have to be gluttons and still be satisfied with what we eat. And C. and I have definitely been gluttonous in the past few months, like monsters. Indulging whatever food whims we have, whenever.

So it is sort of a good feeling to be more... austere with our eating. The only bad thing about having so little money on hand has been that veggies and fruits kind of go to the wayside, and we've stocked up on various meats (chicken, pork, ground beef -- all on sale), plus other cheap and versatile staples, like pasta, bread and pizza dough (some homemade), potatoes, eggs, etc. Whatever keeps us satiated for a decent length of time. I'd like to reconsider this and figure out, when we have more funds and feel "safe", how to incorporate more healthy foods into a very small budget. While we won't always be in this financial situation, it is still good to learn how to be as resourceful as possible. Obviously. I've been working on this for as long as I've been working on my body issues, albeit with way more success. Sure, we're broke at the moment, but I have learned to track my spending and avoid bank overdrafts (a revelation!). That was a huge coup in 2009... so there is obviously hope for me yet.

Next payday I plan to get a new battery for the scale. I like tracking the data, as you probably know. I may or may not be as obsessive about it. I'd like not to be. In the meantime, I would still like to get my body to the gym and at least spend 15 or 20 minutes on the treadmill, at least once. Once a week to start.

*sigh*

I don't ever give up on this, which I think is very important. I still have faith in myself that I will finally find a total life system that will work for me. Each year that I invest in trying gets me that much closer. I've learned some things that work, some that don't. I take what I need and leave the rest. I'm giving myself time. I'm not on a deadline.

I'm not even sure I'll set a weight loss goal for myself this year. Rather, I'd like to be able to tie my shoes while easily bending over, how's that?

Sounds like something so little, so insignificant, but I tell you: It's HUGE. It will be huge when I can do that again.

Wish me luck!

Back from the dead

Hi hi readers. Anyone still there?

I wouldn't be surprised if not.

Well, anyway. I have a feeling that I may be getting back to business soon. I've been feeling so physically uncomfortable and blah, and I know I have gained so much weight back. This is really not how I want to be. I want to feel vibrant and full of energy and able to bend over without having a hard time. You know what I mean?

I think I may go the route of starting fresh at the new year, which gives me a few more days to plan and prepare myself to get back on track into a healthier lifestyle.

2010 seems to hold a lot of promise and I want to be able to keep up with myself. I don't want anything getting in the way of more success and happiness. Taking a load off might be helpful.

I hope this finds you all well and ready to face a new decade! I say, bring it on!

xoxoxo Amy

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi again everyone,

I hope this post finds you well and thankful in advance of the Thanksgiving holiday (for us American bloggers, anyway) tomorrow. Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday, as I enjoy cooking the delicious meal as much as I enjoy eating it. This year there is just three of us for dinner, so it will be a little less elaborate than in past years, but it will be yummy nonetheless. And I will be thankful for all I have—family, cats, health, a job, a roof over my head, wheels to get me places, etc.

So maybe you're wondering what I have been up to, or how I have been doing? I'm sorry that I went AWOL yet again. Things have been... difficult lately, at least on this health and fitness front. Basically, I am sad to say, I haven't been doing anything to improve myself. I've gained even more weight back (don't know exactly how much since the scale died again, but I was up to 332 the last time I weighed), I haven't exercised, and I even took up smoking a pipe (just occasionally, not like all the time, but still I know it is not the best habit to pick up). I'm kind of food obsessed again. I don't really even know quite how to put it into words. It's pretty terrible, but at the same time I'm apathetic about it.

Things aren't so bad that I don't have any clothes to wear, but they've definitely become more snug, and there are jeans I've grown out of. I know I need to nip this and soon. I do see myself coming back. I really, really do.

I have a gym membership that is good through May, and I plan to start using it again, probably before I even take any steps to alter my eating habits again. In my experience, if I start exercising, the good eating habits follow in short order, so that is my plan.

When, you may ask? I want to commit to Monday, and I am going to ask my gym buddy if she will join me for some moral support. In fact, I am going to ask her right this very moment so that I don't bail on that idea.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and look forward to posting here regularly again! I am thankful for you all who read this.

Here I am!

I have so much to say, but I don't have the time at the moment... I will be back later today to fill you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I just wanted to say that the comments I've been getting here and there asking where I am and whether I will be back really hearten me, so thanks. You might just save me from myself.

x's and o's to all...

One Week Down

One week down, however many it takes to go...

It's been a week since I "started up" again, and I'm pleased to say that I am down 3.6 pounds since last Monday, 324 this morning. I mean, I am still not thrilled, but I am proud of myself for nipping it in the bud not once, but twice majorly (remember back in May when I came back here after gaining much of the weight I had lost last year?).

The eating situation is getting better, though I've just acquired an additional part-time job as an artist's assistant that will be pretty intense throughout the month. So that alone will have me more active and eating less overall.

I'm really determined to keep going with this, no matter how long it takes or how much like Sisyphus I feel. I'm hanging in.

Weigh-in: 325.6

I count myself lucky that I came through this week with a little bit of a loss... two pounds is pretty good since Monday, yeah?

I still have a lot of work to do to get myself back on track, though. I haven't been very good with my eating at all. I noticed that it's been a lot of emotional or stress-related eating. Rebellious eating, even. I've definitely been more AWARE of it, though, which is a small step in the right direction.

It's been a weird week. There's been some good developments, but also some crap to process. Most important in all this is that I have yet to lose hope, or faith in myself that I can do what I need to be healthy and happy.

Phew!

Yesterday was mostly a bust, but I got on the scale this morning anyway. Must be some weird hormonal stuff going on, because I saw an almost two pound loss, down to 325.8. And that was after a day in which I ate like four cupcakes and, *ahem* ice cream. Not a great showing at all, but I am in a good mindset for this so I think it will be OK. As long as I take some step each day to get me to my goals, I will be happy.

What may have helped my case yesterday was that after dinner, instead of promptly plopping into my recliner for an evening of television, I decided to deep clean the bedroom, which has been a total sty now for longer than I'd like to admit. I swept and dusted, and finally went through the pile of stuff that has been accumulating next to the dresser and behind the door. Seeing that every day always made me feel crappy, so it made a HUGE difference to see it all gone, stored away or thrown out. I even washed a "new" comforter that we inherited from my aunt and uncle to replace the ratty one we've been using for way too long, AND washed out the cat's litter boxes and cleaned up their area. On top of that, I did a load of laundry, so by the time I finished I was super sweaty. I'm telling you, housework is the best exercise—plus you get things that need to be done taken care of!

Today has gone pretty well so far. I had a PB&J sandwich for breakfast, and brought some black beans with me to have for lunch. I've been drinking my water, too. I'm not sure what we are having for dinner; it may involve take-out of some kind but I promise that I will try hard to make decent choices.

I just want to get back under 320 again, for now. I'm doing it.